MY Uncel Rape me For 6 Years

the older I get the more I realize what happened to me, and the more I realize how long it went on. The first time that my uncle molested me it was my 4 birthday, I hade told my mom that I hade wanted to dress myself so she and my stepdad  were downstairs getting ready for my party, and my uncle came upstairs to my room to wish me happy birthday. Me and him hade always been really close he was always so nice and friendly and he always let me get away with stuff, but when he came in my room that day i was in the middle of getting dressed and my dress wasnt on yet, he said he hade a special gift for me...He picked me up and sat me in my chair and undid his pants and exposed himself to me(i have 36 boy cousins now and about 24 back then so i wasnt unuse to seeing boys things) but i hade never seen a grown mans before and i was alittle scared, he told me that if i wanted my gift i hade to put it in my mouth, i said no, he said i hade to lick it for him(i was raised to do what grown-up said) so i did, he moan and told me he loved me and that i was a good girl, but i hade to put it in my mouth if i want to go down to the party, so i did, he grabbed my face and made me give him head, till he was done, i remember him panting and tell me he loved me while he held my nose and put my hand over my mouth telling me to swallow, so i did, and he hugged me tight, i was crying, i told him i didnt like it,he said he was sorry and that he didnt want me to tell anyone that i didnt like his gift cause he didnt want people to know i didnt like it, he gave me candy and told me to get dressed. after that he didnt really try anything so extreme but he was always hugging me to tight or insisted on bathing me then lock the door and let his hand 'wander', and he'd make me change infront of him and even if i was dress he'd tell me to try different outfits on in front of him. i didnt think it was to weird  cause i came from such a big family and i was the only girl so people were aways bathing me and being nice.
It's was bad but i didnt know any better and it wasnt hurting so it was under control till i was 7 then my older brother got sick and no-one knew why, it happened when i hade the chickenpox so people were blaming me for it, one day i came home from school and my mom and my brother were gone, and no-one would tell me were they hade gone, all my (step)dad told me was that they we're gone and that cause of he job he wouldnt beable to get me to and from school so i would have to go stay with my auntie anne (which was great cause she hade four boys and i loved my cousins) but i was starting to get scared of my uncle cause i was getting older and he was still watching me get dressed and bathing me when he could even though i was bathing myself at home. but i hade to go, the first day was amazing, me and my cousins played all day and at bath time my uncle wasnt home. but that night he woke me up(there house was solid wood and he had music blasting from the living room so the all the rooms could slightly hear it) he asked me if i love him, i was 7 and i did love him so i said yes then he kissed me on the mouth and put his tongue in my mouth, i pushed him away and pushed my back up against the wall on the other side of the bed but he grabbed my leg and pulled me back he told me that no-one loved me that my mom left cause she did want me and nether did the rest of my family he said that my aunt was cheating on him and he wanted someone to love him and for him to love he said that no-one wanted me but him, he said that he loved me and that, that was how people who loved each other kissed. i let him kiss me and i cry and tryed to get away while he molested me....it hurt so bad i still remember every word he said and every breath he took i remember every pain i felt, i remember him getting up and saying that, that was enough for now and that he loved me and he would show me how much he loved me the next night. that night i stayed up and cryed all night and in the morring i told my aunt i was sick, that night(the second night i was there) my uncle raped me....i screamed and cryed and begged him to stop! i cryed for my mom,(as most 7 year olds do when there in pain) and he said she wasnt coming for me, he said no-one was coming to save me, he said that the only person that even care about me was him, i told him he was hurting me and he laughed and said good, he even licked the stream of tears running down my face. when he was done he said if i told anyone they would hate me and think i was a dirty girl for saying it, he said that he hadnt wanted to do it but i had made him do it, he said it was my fault and that i had brought it on myself...and i believed him...a part of me still does. 
that happened every night and because me and my cousins went to different schools he would take me and my aunt would take my cousins and he'd make me do things in the car. after 2 weeks in that house my uncles was bathing me and dressed me in my nicest church clothes and told me to sit in my room......the priest from my uncles church came(my uncle was catholic)i thought maybe we were going to a wedding or something when he came in the room, but he walk over and kneeled infront of me and told me i look beautiful...he raped me....the whole time i cryed and looked and my uncle's shadow under the door...i kept hearing the priest say he was sorry and that he was trying to be gentle, he told me it was his first time, which i believe(i had gone to mass once with my uncle and a man of the cloth, a man who gave up everything for god, he saw me once and just gave it all up...there most be  somthing  wrong with me)
my uncle raped me till i was 13 and the priest till i was 12....i've only told this to one person my whole life, and he told my uncle i had told him so they both raped beat and torchered me telling me to never tell anyone else....as the months passed my uncle got more and more violent he beat, burnt, cut, torchered and sodomized me for years and i never said a word, and when my mom came back and i left he would beat my cousins 4 no reason till i came back...so i went back to him.....i let him hurt me to save them. thats why i get so angery when people say i'm selfish....cause i gave up everything for my family, my childhood, my body, my innocents, my obility to love and be loved. i cant even sleep anymore, i cant take showers with the shower curtains closed, and people cant touch me. i dont hug or stay in a room alone with my stepfather, who is the worlds best stepfather and i know it hurts him...if you met me you would never know what happened, i'm all smiles and jokes but...it hurts...it always hurt.....i still see him, smell him, feel him....i dont sleep cause my body rejects it cause since it happened hes all i dream about, and its so real, its like be raped all over again.
i have never told a soul this...i'm dealing with it, i don't let it effect my daily life ....Wow...there it is....there is my childhood.